I bet you clicked on this link looking for some juicy gossip on my life, right? Sorry. I don’t have any. Unless you count Rob Dyrdek blocking me on Instagram. Sad days.
I’ve been in hiding for the past two months. Incognito. AKA: seasonal depression.
See, about once a week I do this thing where I’d think, “man I really want to write tonight” but always felt so unmotivated. Pure laziness. SO without further ado, here it goes. Word vomit, as Katy Heron would say.
I’m not even sure where this post is going so if I were you, I would click out of this ASAP and save yourself.
Being in your 20’s is so fucking weird dude. Every single one of my friends are doing something totally different with their lives. Which is cool ya know? It makes my heart full to see them living their best lives, showing their own definition of a best life and what it means to them. I mean it’s not like we’re expected to live the same lives. But MAN IT IS STRESSFUL. I don’t care what anyone says (including myself because I know I’ve preached this) but it is so hard to not compare your lives with others. People are getting engaged and buying houses meanwhile I moved back in with my parents and have an anxiety attack thinking about such a commitment. It’s weird. And it’s not like I sit around everyday comparing my life to others… that is so unhealthy. I just always think, am I doing enough? Am I traveling enough? Working enough? Saving enough money? Keeping up with friends and my mental health? Exercising enough? We’re all guilty of this and it is
E X H A U S T I N G.
So I took a small break from social media because as much as I love the positive sides it was catching up to me. Sure, I sent a Tweet here and there and posted a few Instagrams but the constant checking for updates has saved my mentality and soul.
My two favorite aspects of social media are creativeness and connecting to literally anyone in the world. I get such a personal high when seeing art and poems that speak to me on social media. The person behind those words has their own life and emotions and soul and openly share all three with the entire world, and that’s beautiful to me. It’s what helped me start sharing my thoughts even if no one reads them. That’s not what it’s even about, but this has helped me grow and I will forever be grateful. But the constant question of “am I doing enough???” took a toll and I needed a break. I focused on myself and what made me happy VS focusing on others and what they wanted to see.
Ok, next topic.
Winter. Comfort. Mostly discomfort.
I know what they say, discomfort is a good thing. It means you’re learning and growing. Is that what they say? Idk maybe I just tell myself that to not allow five panic attacks a day LOL.
I’ve always hated winter. I go numb, uninspired, constantly cold, unmotivated. I don’t want to get out of bed and I cancel plans faster than opening my bottle of wine.
But nothing will ever compare to last winter.
It’s interesting to look back in life and think, fuck. Like was I ok?? If I could go back 10 months I’d give myself a big hug, and then a slap in the face saying “get your shit together damn it. Stop crying every day. Go to class. Stop staying up until 4AM every night. Eat something.”. It’s completely okay to have a hard time. Take a depression nap and worry about yourself and health the next day, just don’t let it go on for too long because you’ll get into the comfort. And lately all I want to do is go back in time to last winter. And then I stop and I’m like, what??? WHY? You really want to go back to sitting in a bar every night and skipping breakfast? Feeling numb? Why would I ever want to go back to that place, and that’s when it hit me. The comfort.
So this winter is devoted to discomfort….and a few bottles of wine. Hey, it’s too cold to go to Pint House so I’ll hunker down in my comforter for two more months. The discomfort of not knowing my future. Now knowing when I’ll move to another state or book a spontaneous flight. The discomfort of not knowing where I’ll be working in four years or if I’ll be single, dating, or engaged. The discomfort of continuing to grow. Accepting the concept of time never stopping.
It’s hard to accept time never stopping. I’ve learned to take note of precious moments and hold on to them within that moment. You know those bursts when you’re like, I feel so fucking alive and happy? Recognize how you’re feeling and take mental note. Whether if it’s in the crowd of a concert, driving in July heat with the windows down, or getting coffee with a loved one. Just make a mental note.